I’ve spent most of this lifetime in a state of unrequited love, you know the love given by you and not returned by the other.
For some reason, this phrase kept playing in my head for the last couple of weeks. I kept telling my Divine Rebel Sistarhood FB group that I’d be doing a live about this and I kept avoiding it.
Not sure why I was so hesitant because I wanted to talk about the gift that unrequited love has been for me. I see that now.
For a long time I walked around feeling worthless unloveable and dare I say rejected. As I sat to think more about this, I realized how far back this went.
The first dose of love not returned was in elementary school. Yes, that early…this is how I know that I’m a very old soul…whatever that means. I came into this existence with the need to find love and have babies. And when I mean came into this existence that way, I remember being 3 years old and having a crush on my babysitter’s husband. He had the dreamiest green eyes…thought the 3 year old. I also had a crush on my oldest sister’s boyfriend now my brother in law, he’s been in the family for a long time…and does not let me live that down…every chance he gets.(insert eye roll).
Those were all silly little crushes and disturbing ones too now that I think about it but my first true experience of unreturned love was in elementary school.
My very first “older girl” crush at age 9. He the dreamiest, athletic, with gold curly locks and the greenest eyes. I’m noticing a pattern here. He was two years older and did not even know I existed. I was in the 4th grade I think, and he was in 6th, needless to say he saw me as a little girl…maybe because I was. But my deep almost obsessive crush got stronger as he continued to ignore me. I wrote him “love letters” professing my love, pretty bold huh? I would sit for hours transcribing freestyle love songs to give to him, this was way before the internet…he ignored each and every letter I ever gave him. Enter the worthless and unlovable parts of me.
Fast forward into my young adult years and it wasn’t physically unrequited anymore. Guys found me sexy and wanted to take advantage of that and I let them, but there was still no love returned. Because of the worthless, unlovable, unworthy parts that had been formed through what I know now as toxic masculine energy that I displayed and received in return.
Funny thing is when I did have love returned to me, I rejected it…I’d build a case against the poor guy…he’s too nice, he’s not man enough, he’s not ambitious enough. When love was given, I rejected it and blocked it. I felt unworthy of it.
It wasn’t until I started looking within, connecting with my highest self, that I was able to see all of these experiences of love given but not returned were showing me I was not loving myself. It was a clear reflection back to me telling me “You are the one who is not returning the love to yourself, until you see that you will not be able to allow anyone into your life fully and wholeheartedly.”
If this sounds like a familiar story, I want you to ask yourself:
Are you rejecting yourself? Are you blocking love to yourself form yourself or others? Even if you have a partner who loves you, are you still not returning love to yourself?
The more we look within we can see what patterns of behaviors and emotions no longer serve us. It’s time to start listening to yourself, your highest self because she has all of the answers, she always has.
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