Tag: woman

The Myths and Lessons of Unrequited Loveđź’–

I’ve spent most of this lifetime in a state of unrequited love, you know the love given by you and not returned by the other.

For some reason, this phrase kept playing in my head for the last couple of weeks.  I kept telling my Divine Rebel FB group that I’d be doing a live about this and I kept avoiding it. 

Not sure why I was so hesitant because I wanted to talk about the gift that unrequited love has been for me.  I see that now.

For a long time I walked around feeling worthless unloveable and dare I say rejected.  As I sat to think more about this, I realized how far back this went. 

The first dose of love not returned was in elementary school. Yes, that early…this is how I know that I’m a very old soul…whatever that means!

Well it means that, I came into this existence with the need to find love and have babies.  And when I mean came into this existence that way, I remember being 3 years old and having a crush on my babysitter’s husband.  He had the dreamiest green eyes…thought the 3 year old.  I also had a crush on my oldest sister’s boyfriend now my brother in law, he’s been in the family for a long time…and does not let me live that down…every chance he gets.(insert eye roll). 

Those were all silly little crushes and disturbing ones too now that I think about it but my first true experience of unreturned love was in elementary school.

My very first older girl crush at age 9.  He was the dreamiest, athletic with gold curly locks and the greenest eyes. I’m noticing a pattern here🤦🏽‍♀️.  He was two years older and did not even know I existed.  I was in the 4th grade I think, and he was in 6th, needless to say he saw me as a little girl…maybe because I was.  But my deep almost obsessive crush got stronger as he continued to ignore me.  I wrote him “love letters” professing my love, pretty bold huh? I would sit for hours transcribing freestyle love songs to give to him, this was way before the internet…he ignored each and every letter I ever gave him. Enter the worthless and unlovable parts of me.

Fast forward into my young adult years and it wasn’t physically unrequited anymore. Guys found me sexy and wanted to take advantage of that and I let them, but there was still no love returned. Because of the worthless, unlovable, unworthy parts that had been formed through what I know now as toxic masculine energy that I displayed and received in return. 

Funny thing is when I did have love returned to me, I rejected it…I’d build a case against the poor guy…he’s too nice, he’s not man enough, he’s not ambitious enough.  When love was given, I rejected it and blocked it. I felt unworthy of it.

It wasn’t until I started looking within, connecting with my highest self, that I was able to see all of these experiences of love given but not returned, were showing me I was not loving myself.  It was a clear reflection back to me telling me “You are the one who is not returning the love to yourself, until you see that you will not be able to allow anyone into your life fully and wholeheartedly.”

If this sounds like a familiar story, I want you to ask yourself:

Are you rejecting yourself? Are you blocking love to yourself form yourself or others? Even if you have a partner who loves you, are you still not returning love to yourself? 

The more we look within we can see what patterns of behaviors and emotions no longer serve us. It’s time to start listening to yourself, your highest self because she has all of the answers, she always has. 

With much LOVE and Blessings,

If you would like help with tools and techniques on how to connect with your highest self you can join my FREE FB Group Divine Rebel SiStarhood right here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/wholehearthealing

Other ways to work with me:

If you want to work with me directly visit my website:

www.Jessicaalejandrolmft.com Or contact me at 4wholehearthealing@gmail.com

That Time You Felt Like a Fraud!

I take great pride in being an amazing therapist.  It has taken some time to get here for sure.  I have gotten here because I know this is my life’s purpose.  I have also gotten here because I have received confirmation from clients, former clients, other therapists and the Universe, time and time again.  I am a damn good therapist!

But that fraud monster continues to pop up every so often.  He reared his lying head after a very intense couples session.  One person was extremely angry and spitting fire at the other.  There have been many years of betrayal and seeds of resentment that have grown into big, tall, oak trees in this marriage.  Believe it or not, these are the couples that I love to work with.  I work well with them.  I had been working well with this couple and things had been moving in the right direction and then, all hell broke loose.  As a therapist, I know this is actually a good thing.  In my brain I know, that this is part of the process and things often to get worse before they get better.  I’ve been able to manage situations like this in the past but for some reason this situation brought the fraud monster out. What are you doing? Do you know what you are doing? You have made this worse? Who gave you a degree and a license to do this? My energy field seemed unable to hold all of the anger and resentment that was being shot out all at once, like I usually can.  I felt like a fraud!

In the past, it would have taken me some time to get over this feeling.  I would have been reeling about it and not fully present for the rest of my sessions.  But, because I’m a damn good therapist and continue to work on myself, I felt my feelings and let them go! I asked the fraud monster what it was doing here and asked him to kindly leave because he cannot convince me that I am not doing the work I am meant to be doing.  I put a plan in place for my next session with this couple and I  will continue to honor myself and them to help them achieve their goals.  Often times we can get caught up in fear and believe what the Ego tells us is real. It is not real at all!  I write this to let my fellow therapist and healers know that the next time your fraud monster shows up, honor yourself and your feelings.  If you are doing your work from a place of authenticity and Love, you are on the right path.

Be kind and loving to yourself  always!

 

Jessica Alejandro, LMFT

http://www.4wholehearthealing.com

I am Woman, Sorry…NOT Sorry! 6 Important Life Lessons Women Need to Hear

As women we have been apologetic simply for existing for way too long. It is time for us to see the divine within us and take our power back. Here are six ways you can start to allow the warrior in you to show up every time.

Be Present With Yourself and Your Uncomfortable

The past no longer exists, the future is not here yet, so all we really should be experiencing is the present moment.  This very moment as you sit where you are and read this.  We spend too much of our time as human beings living in the past.  As women, we spend a lot of time regretting a lot of our past instead of learning from it.  That is where the uncomfortable feelings come from.  We often think that if we stay present we will be uncomfortable but that is a myth.  The uncomfortable feelings come from the lack of being able to change the past or control the future.  We spend too much time worrying about a future that we have no control over.  I often ask my clients “Do you have a crystal ball?” I used to wish that I did, but now I just try to enjoy and experience the present.  It allows me to be self-aware and aware of others.  Do I think about the past? Of course, I do, but I try not to stay there.  It is okay to think about where you have been to see where you are going, just as long as you experience the journey and stop apologizing for enjoying it.

Stop Apologizing For Being

I was at a wonderful women’s group not too long ago. The group meets at an Italian restaurant and there is a set menu, we don’t know what the meal will be until we get to the meeting.  That day the meal happened to be crab cakes on a bed of mixed greens, which was not a crab cake it was more of a salmon cake, but that’s neither here nor there.  There were about three women who were not aware of this and asked that their meal be modified to grilled chicken on top of the bed of greens.  The owner, who happened to be male, seemed annoyed and made a passive aggressive comment that the meals had already been prepared but he would inform the chef of the change.  Two of the women did not seem to care but one of the oldest women at the table kept apologizing and asking him to just give her salad.  The other women simply did not like crab, the older woman who kept apologizing actually was allergic to shell fish.  I had to say to her “stop apologizing, you are not just asking for a change because it is something you don’t like, you can actually die of you eat it.”  This kind of snapped her out of her apology state and she was then able to stop apologizing.  We as women are raised and socialized to apologize for all that we do.  We need to be proud of who we are, own our decisions and choices, even if they seem or feel selfish.  This is the way towards learning to truly love and honor yourself for the wonderful person you are and for all of the great things you do.

Love Yourself No Matter What Others Think Of You

I am happy to say that I have learned to love myself, all of me.  Don’t get me wrong I am still a work in progress but I am in a much better place than I was 10 even 5 years ago.  I love all of me, good bad and indifferent. I love my good parts, my not so good parts and even the parts that make stupid choices and decisions at times.  In our human form we are fallible, the key is to know this be aware and present, commit to improving by being kind to yourself and to others. But not too kind! As women, we tend to always put others needs before our own, stop! It is okay to take care of yourself first.  In fact, if you take care of yourself, you will be stronger and healthier to take care of others in a healthy boundary filled way. Where you are teaching them to take care of themselves, and in turn not depend on you as much.  Let’s be the teachers we are meant to be.  Also, stop caring about what other people think about you.  Do they pay your bills? Do they live your life? Do they help you make important decisions? The answer is NO! People are always going to judge, well, miserable people will always judge. Why give them your power? Haters are going to hate, so stop caring about people who have no bearing on your day to day life.  Caring too much about what others think turns us into our own worst enemy, especially when it comes to loving our bodies.

Love Your Body No Matter What It Looks Like

Guess what? I can actually say that I love my body. Am I satisfied with my body, I would be lying if I said yes, but I have learned to love the bumps, lumps and stretch marks that make me a real woman.  If you are blessed with great genes and don’t have any of these things I am not saying you are not a real woman, I am saying you are lucky and I stopped hating you because I love myself. It took a very long time for me to accept my body and I am happy that I am here.  It has helped my health journey become fun and not tedious. I enjoy working out and don’t beat myself up when I don’t make healthy food choices. I have learned to eliminate the negative reel that runs in my head when I look in the mirror. Try it, it feels amazing.  It helps develop your self-esteem and self-respect. Respecting your choices and your body, will help you respect yourself.

Respect Yourself So That Others Will Respect You

Respecting yourself goes hand in hand with loving yourself and loving your body.  Respecting yourself is and action and an energetic one at that.  The way you carry yourself, the way you talk about yourself and most importantly the way your energetic light shines to the world, will personify the respect you have for yourself.

Demand Respect From Others

I’m not saying act like a Bitch, but if you have to in order to get respect from others, go for it! If you let others treat you like you don’t matter, then you will feel like you don’t matter.  People deserve chances, but how many chances do they deserve? Will you give them so many chances that you lose your self-worth and most importantly your self-respect? You must think about how much is too much?  Everyone’s limit is different, but do not allow yourself to be so mistreated that the anger you should feel for the person mistreating you is now directed to you. Show others how they should treat you by not allowing them to do things to you that they would not want done to them.

Jessica Alejandro, LMFT

http://www.4WholeHeartHealing.com